Reflections

Here I sit, typing away, because this is apparently what I do now; communicate with all of you (and apparently myself) via the internet. Sick, I know. Maybe I should seek professional, and even better... psychological help. That said, if any of you know a good therapist, lemme know...

I have been thinking a lot today about relationships (past and present) and how they have (and continue) to effect my life and also those who I care deeply for. These relationships I speak of are not necessarily romantic involvements, but are those who we've been able to, on some level, connect with. Most of you, after reading this, will probably think I am a dreamer with unrealistic expectations and desires. Well, the next time you see me, whenever that may be, we can discuss this... Face to face. That would be my preference, anyway.

First, I should probably mention, that my friends and my family are the most important aspects of my life. Seeing myself thrive and grow with these people (you) has been an exquisite journey; one I would refuse to trade for the world if the offer were to ever present itself. Every torment I have survived through, every laugh I have joined in on, every breath I have taken in order to reiterate my thoughts... has been the best yet and I thank you for that.

This is a pretty blatant side of my personality that some of you have yet to witness. So, maybe I should also apologize ahead of time for anything that one or two of you might find offensive. This is me, just me... in all my holy loving glory.

There are certain things about people's personalities that I refuse to accept. 1) excuses 2) hatred for something you know nothing about 3) superficial rejection with or without reason 4) manipulative people. I will discuss the aforementioned in depth. Read on only if you can stand the heat and are in "it" for the long haul.

Here we go:
1) Excuses.
There are few things that I despise more than a lame excuse. So, someone doesn't want to or is unable to hang out with / have dinner with / talk on the phone with / email? Well, most of my friends (myself included) are all grown up and can handle the truth. So, someone is unsure about what they want to do with their life? Believe it when I say that I will give the most honest opinion I have up my sleeve. I expect the same from my peers, but rarely get what I respectfully deserve. This is the reason that I am as independent as I am; there is not a person that I have ever been able to depend on more than myself.

2) Hatred for something you know nothing about. (Those of you who aren't "haters", proceed to Thing 3.)
Lame. If you currently hate (or have prejudice against) ANYTHING, I would hope that you have studied up on the subject. Hate (the emotion) takes up sooooo much room! The mere word creates the inability to think straight. My advice to you? Leave it at the door. I will not support your theory. 'Nough said. That is, of course, unless I have done my research and, even then... your chances are slim. Because? I have yet to find anything to hate. Think about this: hate and prejudice = stupidity (in more cases than not). And, feeling hate for something gives that something strength.

3) Superficial rejection with or without reason.
Wow! This one should not even be a topic of discussion. Who out there has ever been told or (through the process of elimination) has assumed that they weren't "good enough" because of the way they looked or because of their education or because of their beliefs? Seriously, people! Has society created so much hate within us that we have to rely on past experience and feel we are granted the right to be judgemental? Do we honestly question what could possibly be the best experience or future relationship in our lives because we fear the unknown? Here's your screwdriver - screw your head back on! I am sick and tired of people who think they are omnipotent in regards to ability. The public better have a damn good reason to not want me around or should be prepared to miss out on the best thing since sliced bread. (Random thought - isn't it funny that most of these "omnipotent" people are / hold office as "authority figures". Sick, right?)

4) Manipulative people.
"Manipulative: using clever, devious ways to control or influence somebody or something." That definition was care of Webster's. Key words... "devious, control, influence". To give in to a deviant's / a control freak's / an influentialist's request? I doubt any of you have fallen under that spell! Ha. I have. Kinda sucks. You leave or come to your senses feeling used, fooled and slightly jaded. (The only exception to this is someone who is obviously being playful.) Someone I once thought to be wise told me that "everyone is manipulative." Oh yea? Ok, then.  Show me that you're in any way manipulative and we're done.

For the record, I would like to state that I am not without fault and do not seek perfection in everything I come into contact with. But, generally speaking, the "fear" of what should have been or could have been has a tendency to escape me. However, for the sake of respect... SPEAK YOUR MIND. Don't tell me what I (really don't) want to hear. If you are under the assumption that you are going to hurt my feelings, you might want to further inspect my past before coming to conclusions about who I am.

So, here we are. I want all of you to think twice when coming into contact with people who poseess these qualities. And to look within yourselves and see whether or not you possess any of the above. If you do, then of course, we will have PLENTY to talk about. I welcome those discussions. It will get my mind off writing more blogs... Or not. I might just right another - celebrating the conversation.
P.S. Solely free-form thoughts...

Tenacious Grasshoppers Riding on Windshields

I have recently caught up with a few of you that, until recently, I haven't seen or spoken to in over 10 years. Scary, isn't it, that technology has come so far as to offer us this alternate universe where it's easier to find old friends than it is to check our email. For me, it's almost like living in the twilight zone! So, this is an opportunity to share a little bit about myself and what has occurred in my life over the last little bit.

Where to begin is the question? Hmmm... Let's retrace our steps to the Summer of 1997. I had just graduated from High School and had the whole world at my fingertips. Do I attend the university where I had been accepted or try to "find myself" first? Choosing the latter of the two seemed, initially, rather intimidating. But, I was young, enjoyed a challenge and knew my mother and I had some emotional work to do. This decision lands me in Colorado (for the first time).

You see, my mother and I had not been on speaking terms for almost 6 years. I, instead lived with my father for a short bit and then with my grandparents during high school. Not a bad life, just slightly confusing for someone who wanted nothing out of her childhood/adolescence but a little bit of normalcy. So, I was in Colorado ready and willing to hash out the past with my mother. Surprisingly enough, though, we had both grown to the point of acceptance and welcomed one another back into each others life. After accomplishing that feat, something in me felt the need to return to Texas (ok, ok so it was all about a boy). But, I promised Colorado that I would soon be back...

Back in Texas, I decided on Austin as my new home and lived in the city for almost 3 years. Shortly after that 3 year period ended, my sense of adventure got the best of me. I definitely needed a change of pace and scenery.

Those of you who have known me for a while... Brace yourselves! Not sure of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do with myself, I packed up/sold most of my stuff and drove out to a cozy little campground in the hill country, set up camp and decided to stay a while. Granted, I had company most of the time, camping for over a month proved itself to be an undoubtedly rewarding experience.

Let me just give you a brief description so that you can better understand my living quarters: no t.v., no hot water - solar showers only, mostly canned food - as all I had for refrigeration was an ice cooler, no cozy bed - the hard ground suited me just fine. My tent had a large moon roof, though. So, every night before closing my eyes, the stars were bright enough to aid in my self reflection. After a month of "living in the wilderness", I found part of myself I didn't even know had existed and I finally recognized the path that I should continue on.

There is this little town, right on the Colorado River, called Marble Falls. Thanks to my grandparents, I had grown up vacationing there; beautiful, all year round. So, this is where I started over; soulfully refreshed. Over the next three years I was educated in the arts of (almost) perfect love, good wine, sailing boats, fish slaying and massage therapy. My surroundings stayed the same, but I continued to evolve. Not quite satisfied, and after much inward deliberation, I yet again, packed my bags and headed back to Colorado; the mountains were calling my name.

This time, my transition into Colorado was much easier. I didn't have any issue with settling right in. My friends here are fantastic and I continue to grow, finally on the path towards fulfilling my purpose. My outward appearance hasn't changed much, but I feel well balanced and spiritually attuned with every aspect of my life. I wouldn't call what I have experienced in life "absolutely fantastic". But, most of it has been an education that I wouldn't trade a million dollars for.

So, here we are my dears. This should add a little bit of understanding and, if nothing else, feed some curiosity and a need bubbling inside of you to get to know me again ;)

People are constantly coming in and out of our lives, but true friends last a lifetime. Glad to have all of you back.

*muah*